i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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