I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
