He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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