The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
