Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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