You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You're like the curious george of whores
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
