my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
