My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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