I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He better not be in your backpack
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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