I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
