I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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