I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
