and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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