You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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