onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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