If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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