i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
