no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
