My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
