Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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