Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
