I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
