no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
