You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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