Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
