Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
