Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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