the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
