I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Less talking, more tequila
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
