plz talk dirty to me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
