it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
