Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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