Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
