I'm drive I can fine osifer
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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