I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
