I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
