I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
