The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
