True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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