My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
