Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
