two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
