He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
