I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
