If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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