Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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