If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
