Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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