sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
