I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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