Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
