This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
