why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
