i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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