He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
