that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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