In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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