Your face is a jimmy john
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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