Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
