My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
