literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
