Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
