My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
