I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
