so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
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its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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